Happy Emma Day

Part of Emma's morning ritual.

Trying to get into Braxton's room

Caught again

I will try again tomorrow.

On November 10, 2010, it marked a year since Emma's adoption was finalized. It also marked a year since I had one of the best night's sleep of my life. The year flew by and I can't remember what life was like without her. She is growing and thriving and is just the happiest little girl.

Janet

On November 10th, since it was Emma's adoption day, I thought that I would call Janet. I hadn't talked to her since January. (I called her shortly after we moved to Colorado. I was feeling a bit "homesick" that day and talking to her made me feel so happy.) I knew that she would appreciate the call on Emma's special day. I couldn't find her phone number, so I thought that I would "google" her and Frank to find their phone number. When I hit enter on "google", the first thing that popped up was an obituary for a Janet A. Rueff of North Ogden. I thought, "....that can't be our Janet. She is so healthy and full of life." I clicked on the link of the obituary and I was shocked to see Janet's picture there. Our sweet Grandma Janet had passed away on May 4th. I sat on my couch and cried all morning. I called my former case worker, Laura, I knew she would know the story. Laura said that back in March, Janet was diagnosed with lymphoma and the disease spread quickly. I feel like there is now a void in our lives and in our hearts. Had I known when she stood in my living room last December, that that would be the last time I would see her in this life, I would have hugged her a little tighter and a little bit longer.

When Ryan and I first began the adoption process, we were prepared and looking forward to an open adoption. We wanted to personally know our child's birthmother and her family. We wanted a relationship, we wanted to share milestones with them. This didn't happen and right now, it's better that it's not an open adoption. I was so happy that even though I don't personally know Emma's birth mom, I was blessed to have others enter my life. People who I am tied to forever because of Emma's adoption process. Laraine, Frank and Janet and our case worker, Laura, are those amazing people who have brought much joy and helped us along on our adoption journey. I am so grateful for Janet, she never gave up on Emma and she opened her home to us, so that we could bond with our baby girl. She took such good care of all the special needs babies who came into her home. We will miss you Janet.

Flashback

Last Friday, we went to Primary Children's Medical Center in Salt Lake City for Emma's follow-up MRI. I am not a big fan of hospitals, but Primary's is such a positive place. The doctors and nurses are wonderful and even the decor makes you feel like it is a happy and safe place to be. Of course, I still felt nervous about the whole thing. I don't like the idea of my daughter (or son for that matter) being put under anesthesia. As I sat in the recovery room waiting for Emma, my thoughts went back to almost 2 years ago when we sat in McKay Dee Hospital and talked to specialists about Emma. About her brain injury, about whether or not she would thrive and develop. For a moment all the doubt and fear of that day came rushing back and I felt that horrible feeling like I had no control over this whole situation, what if they come back and tell us that she now has a tumor, what if there are more problems, what if , what if. That feeling didn't last long. I again felt peace. I remembered that faith is the opposite of fear. I thought of my little girl and the immense amount of joy that she has brought into our family. I thought about what a fighter she is and how much she has overcome in her short life. I thought of the moment back in January of 2009 when I was in my room in the dark and I felt hopeless and afraid and then had the overwhelming feeling that there is always hope. I knew that one of the most important things to remember was that we know who she is and what she can do and more importantly there is a God in Heaven who knows what her earthly and eternal potential will be. It is my job to make sure she reaches that potential. They brought her into the recovery room and I sat there and rocked her while she slept for 2 hours. All was right with the world. Today, the neurologist called to give us the results. The size and volume of her brain has decreased, we were told that would probably happen because of the injury she experienced while still in the womb. The great news is that everything else is growing and developing at the right pace. We will continue to monitor her progress and are happy that we know what the warning signs of any problems are. Since she is doing well, we were able to cancel the appointment with the neurologist in November and just continue seeing her Pediatrician.

Just Like Heaven

The Brophy Family, November 21, 2009, Bountiful Utah Temple

Sub For Santa

I love the magic of Christmas. I believe in Santa Clause. I love the excitement and the look on children's faces on Christmas morning. I love Toys 4 Tots. Since we've been married, Ryan and I have always made a little room in our Christmas budget to buy a little something for that great charity. A few years ago, Braxton began to understand why we put toys in the big box at Albertsons and he loves it too. Today, I received an email from the Adoption Exchange regarding their Sub For Santa program. They provide Christmas presents for over 300 foster children in the State of Utah. Since our Emma was in foster care, this program holds a special place in my heart. I know that times are tough, especially this time of the year, but if you have a little extra and are looking for a great way to give this Christmas season, please contact Lindsay or Michelle @ 801-265-0444 or use this link https://secure2.convio.net/tae/site/SSurvey?JServSessionIdr003=l1lchgbim1.app1a&SURVEY_ID=7560&ACTION_REQUIRED=URI_ACTION_USER_REQUESTS

I cannot wait for Christmas!!! I am already blasting my Christmas music at home.

Today, I Became A Mother of Two. For Real

With it being National Adoption Awareness Month. I think that this month was the perfect month for Emma's adoption to be finalized. What an incredible experience it was today to be at Court, surrounded by some very special friends, and have the Judge tell us that our adoption journey is now complete, Emma is now legally a Brophy, our daughter and Braxton's sister.

I am so happy that now:

• I do not have to email and call 3 people when I want to take my child out of state on a family vacation. We can visit Grandma in Wyoming, whenever we want now!!! Or even go to Canada!!!
• I do not have to fill out paperwork and talk to 2 people whenever I have to take her to the doctor.
• I no longer have to update "the purple binder".
• I do not have to save my receipts when I buy diapers.
• I will no longer have dreams about random men coming forward to say that they are Emma's birth father and that they want to contest the adoption. Although it was sort of fun to wake up from those dreams and try to figure out where in my subconscious did "that guy" came from.
• I do not have to carry the magical paper around in my diaper bag that says that I can make ordinary and routine medical decisions for Emma. Today I got another magical paper that says that the State of Utah agrees with what has been in my heart all along, Emma is our daughter.

I am sad that:

• I will no longer have monthly visits with our sweet case worker, Laura. We were so lucky to have had her in our corner all these months. Thanks Laura.
• I am no longer a licensed foster parent, something that I would have never done if it wasn't for Emma, yet I now have very tender feelings towards foster care. I so admire those foster parents who love the children in their care and fight everyday for what is best for them.

Here is a picture of us with Judge Bachman. We took other pictures outside of the courthouse, but those are not for public viewing. I cried through most of the hearing, I think it was a combination of pure joy and pure relief and I am an ugly crier. Some people can cry and look just fine in the aftermath. Not me. I have puffy eyes, nose, etc. So those pictures will not be posted on my blog or facebook. Luckily, Judge Bachman keeps his courtroom a little dark.

I have such a loving family and wonderful friends. I really could not have made it through this whole experience without their support. I am so grateful for my faith that has sustained me and kept me functional during the early stages of Emma's adoption when things went terribly wrong. There were days that were dark and sad, but I never felt alone and that is a special gift and a blessing. I love adoption. I don't like it when people say that it's "the easy way" to have a baby because it is the most emotionally draining thing I have ever done. But by some miracle, children always seem find their families. It is so amazing. We waited 7 years for Emma and I would do it all again for her in a heartbeat. She was so worth the wait.

PS: Braxton told us today on the way home from Court, that he really wants a brother now!!

10 Months

Emma is now 10 months old........she is the most happy, busy and beautiful little girl. (I'm not biased at all) She is really keeping us on our toes, I had forgotten how much fun it is to chase a baby around the house. We found out last week that her adoption will be finalized on November 10th (at 11:15am :). We are thrilled beyond words. We will take her to the temple on November 21st. Braxton put it best when he said, "I can't wait for her to finally be my sister forever."

6 Months

Yesterday marked the 6 month anniversary since the stork dropped a pink little angel off on our door step. Wow, how time flies. When Emma was first placed in our home, it was a major adjustment. There were times when Ryan and I felt like we were starting over, it had been too long since we had a baby in our house. As time has gone on, I really cannot remember what life was like without Emma here. She is the perfect fit for our family. She was well worth the wait!!!

Love this little slobber monkey

Flying baby

Hangin' out

Fun Visit

Yesterday we met with the State's adoption specialist. We learned a lot, it was a very informative meeting. The one thing that we learned that we weren't too excited about was that our hopes of finalization in August probably is not going to happen. In fact, there is a chance that it won't happen in September either. **SIGH** I guess this whole infertility/adoption process was suppose to teach me patience and obviously, I haven't learned it yet. Anyway, since we were in the area, we decided that it would be a good idea to go visit Frank and Janet, Emma's first foster parents. They hadn't seen her in months and were anxious to see her again. We had a BBQ and they spoiled us like grandparents spoil their grandkids. Braxton jumped on the trampoline, picked cherries with Frank, ate lots of ice cream and cookies and played with their many legos. We just had such a great visit. I didn't think we were going to get to take Emma home with us, they didn't seem to want to give her back. What wonderful people they are. I just cannot express what they mean to us.

Picking cherries

Emma had soooo much fun

Update

I guess that I should give an adoption update, even though most have heard our good news. Emma's birthmom's rights were terminated by the judge in court on Tuesday and the adoption will go forward. We are excited, relieved and anxious for the adoption to be finalized. We will meet with the state's adoption specialist on Wednesday to get the process going. There is a hearing set for October, but we are hoping to have everything filed and ready to go before then. Just can't wait for her to officially be named Emma Laraine Brophy. I continue to pray for her birthmom, "L". I hope that some day "L" can get clean and live a healthy and happy life. I really hope that some day she can feel at peace knowing that her daughter is safe and loved.

Court and Vacation

We went to court today for the pretrial hearing. We were in the courtroom for even less time than we were at our last hearing. Things are still on schedule and Emma's birthmom still hasn't made an appearance and she never will. The judge did sign an Order today saying that we could take Emma out of the state for our family vacation. We were relieved because we leave tomorrow for California and we are glad that we are ALL going, not just the boys. Can't wait for the day that I can take Emma anywhere and everywhere without having to send emails to about 5 different people and then letting the judge have the final say. To be able to take her to Canada will feel very liberating. Anyway, we are going to California for our nephew, Jon's graduation. We figure since we will only be a few hours from Disneyland that we might as well visit The Happiest Place on Earth. The last time we went to Disneyland Braxton was 3 years old. I am always amazed at how much he can remember from that trip and in great detail too. He is so excited. I must admit that am too. The last time we went, I didn't get to see one princess because Braxton wasn't interested, so this time, I am going to have my princess time with Emma. I am such a nerd, I know.

4 Months

Emma is four months old today. I am shocked at how fast time has gone by. She has the sweetest personality, so happy and full of life. Someone once told me that joy comes in a lot of different packages, and it is so true. I found a piece of paper the other day that had these words written on it "December 15th, baby girl, Hispanic, stillborn, cocaine, feeding tube, deaf, blind, cerebral palsy ?, lots of dark hair". This is the information that I wrote down when the case worker called to ask if we were interested in adopting Emma. How grateful I am for this beautiful little girl, she helps me remember that miracles really do happen every day!

Court Again

We went to Court again today. It was the shortest hearing in the history of court hearings. The judge asked us how the baby is doing and signed an Order and then scheduled us for another hearing in June. As I walked out of court, I thought to myself, "What just happened in there?" So we waited to talk with our case worker and the attorney for the State. The attorney explained some things to us and then we realized that with all the hearings and the time table that the court has, the adoption will probably not happen at the 6 month waiting period. I think we are talking more like 9 months. A little frustrating, but at the same time, I am just glad that she is in our home and if we have to wait a little while longer, it will all be worth it....Right??? I made the comment to Ryan yesterday that I just can't wait until the day when they tell us she is ours. Ryan said, "She's always been ours." That put it all into perceptive for me, so I will try not to complain too much about having to wait, at least not out loud.

Emma's Permanency Hearing

Ryan and I went to court this afternoon. It went very well. The judge agreed that the adoption should move forward. We've been so blessed with how smoothly this whole process has been going. The hearing was short and of course we have to go back to court on March 31st for a pretrial hearing, but I think at this pretrial hearing we will finally know the date of finalization. HOORAY!!!

The Stork Visited Our House Today.....

and dropped off a beautiful bundle dressed in pink. We received a phone call at 8:30 am that the move was happening today, meaning that Emma was coming to live at our home until the adoption is final. We are now officially her foster parents. It's been a wonderful day. I had forgotten how often feeding and diaper changes happen. I am tired, but very happy. Here is a picture of Emma's first foster parents, Frank and Janet. We have been so blessed to have gotten to know such incredible people through this process and Frank and Janet are angels to us. I love them so much. They are cared for Emma and loved her like their grandchild. We could sleep at night knowing that she was safe and happy in their home. They are the best!!!

Surprise Visit

Today was a great day. Emma's foster parents came and dropped her off at our house, we had a great visit. It almost broke my heart to give her back when they came to pick her up 4 hours later. Of course, it does make it a little easier to think that some day very soon, they will drop her off and she will stay forever. I realized that I didn't have any pictures of Emma and Ryan together. So, here are some pictures. Let's just say, Ryan is already wrapped very tightly around her little finger.

What cuties those Brophy kids are.

FREEEEEEDOM!!!

Ryan and I finished our Foster Parent classes this evening. What ever will be do with our Tuesday and Thursday evenings now?

Life Doesn't Get Much Better Than This.....

Braxton and Emma met today. I will never forget what a sweet moment it was when he first saw her. He cannot wait for her to come home, so that he can hold her all the time. He was so cute with her. What a great experience it was to be there with my 2 children. (Still seems weird to say that :)

Here's the Story....

The last month at the Brophy household has been filled with every emotion known to man. I am happy to say that things are finally starting to be filled with joy and happiness. I am starting to realize just how blessed we are. Here is the short story of a very LONG story/process. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to call. :) On December 23rd, our adoption agency called to tell us about a little baby girl that was born on December 15th. She was born addicted to cocaine and her birth mother ("bmom") wanted to place her for adoption so that she wouldn't go into State custody. Ryan and I talked about it and began to think about whether or not we would be able to provide for a child who would probably have some special needs as she gets older. We felt that maybe a family with more experience with this sort of thing would be better, we were kind of being cowards, but we decided to go and meet with Laraine, the caseworker from the other agency. Laraine is wonderful. She was really the only person who was visiting the baby and we could see she really loved her. We saw the baby and it was love at first sight. I cried the whole way home from the hospital because I was sure I wanted to be her mother, but was still worried whether I could provide her with the best care. Over the next few weeks, we met with doctors and specialists. We prayed and prayed to know what to do. We met with Laraine at the hospital. The baby was doing great. She was doing everything that little babies are suppose to do, she would be discharged from the hospital soon. Ryan and I knew soon after that we wanted her to come home with us, but then things got complicated. To summarize days of traumatic phone calls and dark moments, about a week ago, we were received a phone call that the State had taken her into custody, she was now in a foster home and we had no idea where she was or what to do. We were crushed. I felt abandoned and betrayed by the State and by our agency. They all told us that we would be able to adopt her but things had changed. The next day, we were told that DCFS and the AG's office were aware of our situation and since the bmom was no longer in the picture, they all wanted us to have the baby. But, of course, we have to go through all the necessary procedures. So, Ryan and I are now taking classes to become licensed foster parents. We are being licensed as kinship foster parents, which means once our reference letters come back and our home safety visit is done, we will be able to bring the baby home while we are waiting to complete our training. We are thrilled beyond words. Another wonderful thing is that our little one is with a wonderful foster family, we honestly couldn't ask for better people to be caring for her. They are a cute grandma and grandpa, who have welcomed us into their home. Yes, we do have daily visitation, what a blessing that is. So, here she is.....my little girl!!! We will name her Emma Laraine Brophy. Emma after my aunt, and Laraine for the amazing woman who first introduced us. (SHHHH.....The State calls her something else for the time being, but we will only call her that at meetings and in Court)

I have to say, "THANK YOU" to those of you in blog land who have been there for us and continue to be a big support. There have been times this past month when I have felt exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but I have always been able to move forward. I have an amazing family and group of friends. Some who have been a strength to me through their prayers, phone calls and hugs, others who have sat with me on the couch and cried right along side me. The journey isn't over yet, but I am starting to feel like it will have a happy ending.

The Rollercoaster

I have been struggling with whether or not to blog about this. But I decided that writing and talking about things is very therapeutic, so I guess this post is more for me than the three people who will actually read it. Weeks ago, Ryan and I were told by our agency that a birthmother wanted to meet us. She was still trying to make a decision on which couple to choose and it was between us and another couple. So, last week, we met her. I won't go into too much information about her, because I want to respect her privacy, but she was wonderful. A very courageous and loving person. I really admire her. Ryan and I felt really good about this meeting and tried not to get our hopes up too high because really it wasn't a done deal. We wanted to use this meeting as a learning experience. But, of course we wanted this child to be ours, so we couldn't help thinking about "what if" situations. So, on Wednesday during dinner, our caseworker called. The birth mother decided that the other couple was a better match. My heart broke into a million pieces. It's a strange feeling to be so upset about losing something that was never really ours. Ryan and I have spent the last few days just looking at each other and not really saying much because what could we say? Now that things have sunk in, I feel okay with it. I am happy for this amazing birth mother who can sleep at night, knowing that her baby will be raised in the family where she knows he belongs. I am happy for this couple who wanted this baby just as much as we did and they have now found the new member of their family. I am still sad for us, but I know that the child that God has chosen to come to our family will some day be here. (I just wish I knew when and from where he/she will come.) I can't lose sight of the fact that we are doing the right thing. But I will say that the whole adoption process is more emotional and stressful than any fertility drug or procedure that I have been through. I am glad that I know people who have survived this rollercoaster ride and tell me that it is so worth it. So, I will now renew my ticket on the adoption rollercoaster and let it ride.