The Rollercoaster

I have been struggling with whether or not to blog about this. But I decided that writing and talking about things is very therapeutic, so I guess this post is more for me than the three people who will actually read it. Weeks ago, Ryan and I were told by our agency that a birthmother wanted to meet us. She was still trying to make a decision on which couple to choose and it was between us and another couple. So, last week, we met her. I won't go into too much information about her, because I want to respect her privacy, but she was wonderful. A very courageous and loving person. I really admire her. Ryan and I felt really good about this meeting and tried not to get our hopes up too high because really it wasn't a done deal. We wanted to use this meeting as a learning experience. But, of course we wanted this child to be ours, so we couldn't help thinking about "what if" situations. So, on Wednesday during dinner, our caseworker called. The birth mother decided that the other couple was a better match. My heart broke into a million pieces. It's a strange feeling to be so upset about losing something that was never really ours. Ryan and I have spent the last few days just looking at each other and not really saying much because what could we say? Now that things have sunk in, I feel okay with it. I am happy for this amazing birth mother who can sleep at night, knowing that her baby will be raised in the family where she knows he belongs. I am happy for this couple who wanted this baby just as much as we did and they have now found the new member of their family. I am still sad for us, but I know that the child that God has chosen to come to our family will some day be here. (I just wish I knew when and from where he/she will come.) I can't lose sight of the fact that we are doing the right thing. But I will say that the whole adoption process is more emotional and stressful than any fertility drug or procedure that I have been through. I am glad that I know people who have survived this rollercoaster ride and tell me that it is so worth it. So, I will now renew my ticket on the adoption rollercoaster and let it ride.